wandring_dove

So I am a year and a half into my personal recovery from my own demons, and most of the time, it's a lot easier than I think it should be. Maybe it's just habit by now. Doesn't mean that, as soon as I get new health insurance, I won't be seeking out a really good psychiatrist about getting my biologicals balanced.

Today being a prime example -- fending off a panic attack, after being hit (again) with the realization that, after two months at this new job, I just do NOT fit in, probably WILL NOT ever fit in, at least with anyone who I would be directly working with or see on a regular basis.

This shouldn't be important - it's just a job, right? - but it is.

At my last job, I didn't really fit in either, in any conventional sense, but there was a bonding with the training class I started with. There was bonding on the team I was placed with. That's what got me through almost a year and a half of doing something I hated for a company I loved.

It's days like these that I envy Sec for what she does. Sure, it's a retail sales job, which means long hours on her poor tired feet, but Gods above it sounds like fun.

I wonder sometimes whether there's a job, an office, a place for me in the world to work where I'll feel comfortable and in place, somewhere I belong.

Somehow, I seriously doubt it.

I've got this list of things I want to write about, and I'm only now finding the time to touch on any of them. Thank the Gods I wrote'm down.

Gardening.

It's something I've always wanted to do, idealistically, regardless of what color thumb I have. The state of the marigold my daughter brought me from school notwithstanding, I'm hoping I'll do alright in this venture. Killing plants isn't the biggest issue anyway - it's actually sticking with the program.
Sig started a week or two ago, hitting the hards hard, and the results are really fuckin' impressive.

Besides... it feels good. I was down in the thick of it today, helping Sig try to remove this bush that's been overtaken by VERY thorny vines. It felt damn good, too - on my knees, filthy, wrestling with a root system more complicated than the US Highway system. Once we get rid of that thing - our triumph was significant today, but not total - we'll start planting the vegetable garden. It's going to take some hard work to get to that point, and I'm so looking forward to it.

It's about damn time to remind my body that it is useful, instead of just moderately decorative. It's been a long time coming.

Why bother ask my opinion, if it doesn't matter to you in the least?

Okay, lets be more specific here. Why say that there's a small project where everyone's input is needed... but when the time comes for it to be worked on (finally), everything that you say is completely disregarded or outright ignored?

Oh, how I love my new job, and how much I feel apart of the team!

This is my second serious attempt at keeping a journal here with LJ. My first LJ, which will remain nameless, is an Early Adopter; there are a lot of good memories there that are precious to me.

However, there is a lot of baggage there as well. I learned the hard way, through that journal, how I need to keep a few steps of remove between myself and those that I can share myself with here. I won't say anonymity, because I have never had any qualms in sharing a great deal of myself in my journal as well as forging bonds with the people here that transcend LiveJournal. I simply came to the understanding that if I'm going to put my personal thoughts and feelings out there for the world, the last thing I want is someone from down the street knocking on my door to call me on it, to compare what they read with what they imagined they knew about me, in person.

That didn't come out quite right, but it's the best way I have to describe it for now.

I had kept that kind of distance - physical distance - for much of the time that I had the journal; it was only when I entered college, at the beginning of LJ's huge popularity, that everyone I knew and their sister's were making LJs, linking them to mine, being socially interconnected at another level. Networking! This wasn't a bad thing; I quite enjoyed it, really, especially so I could keep track of those people who I didn't see on a daily basis.

However, I no longer really felt safe opening myself up there, because the new influx of personal, local friends knew a particular side of me, which was safe for public consumption. The person I was here was more open, maybe even more honest about who I am, what I thought and believed, etc. etc.

I want that back. Is it a bad thing, to not share everything you are, every flavor of thought and belief, with the ones who are (geographically) closest to you... and yet have no qualms about doing so with people who you may never meet face to face?

So this is my remove. Will there, are there already, people from there that I want here? Absolutely! However... The veil of anonymity has returned, at least for the time being, in the way that I want no concrete ties between that journal and this one. There will also be filters on occasion, just for my emotional protection.