On better and brighter notes, I have become utterly enthralled with Neil Gaiman of late. Not that this is a sudden thing, but a slow brewing fascination that began last summer when I picked up a trade paperback of the novel he wrote with Terry Pratchett, Good Omens to keep me company on the long trainride to Georgia.

Then, while we were there - after I'd devoured Good Omens - we stopped at a Waldens, and I picked up a paperback of American Gods. That was devoured not once, but twice within that month, which is absolutely out of character for me. I usually have to wait six months to reread something, even if I really liked it.

It was that good.

More recently, I picked up Mirrormask on DVD, and watched that twice in the same 24 hour period, which is equally unheard of. Be careful of following my recommendation, however -- it is a peculiar sort of movie. If you liked Labryinth, you may just like this. It's surreal and trippy, but for me it was - and still is - absolutely enthralling.

Now, I'm pouring through the archives of his blog from the beginning, and working my way up to present. Then, when a few extra bucks comes my way, I'll be picking up the rest of his titles -- except for Sandman, and the multitude of related works. That's going to be a seperate purchase after much research, and considerable saving.

I love the way this man writes.

So I am a year and a half into my personal recovery from my own demons, and most of the time, it's a lot easier than I think it should be. Maybe it's just habit by now. Doesn't mean that, as soon as I get new health insurance, I won't be seeking out a really good psychiatrist about getting my biologicals balanced.

Today being a prime example -- fending off a panic attack, after being hit (again) with the realization that, after two months at this new job, I just do NOT fit in, probably WILL NOT ever fit in, at least with anyone who I would be directly working with or see on a regular basis.

This shouldn't be important - it's just a job, right? - but it is.

At my last job, I didn't really fit in either, in any conventional sense, but there was a bonding with the training class I started with. There was bonding on the team I was placed with. That's what got me through almost a year and a half of doing something I hated for a company I loved.

It's days like these that I envy Sec for what she does. Sure, it's a retail sales job, which means long hours on her poor tired feet, but Gods above it sounds like fun.

I wonder sometimes whether there's a job, an office, a place for me in the world to work where I'll feel comfortable and in place, somewhere I belong.

Somehow, I seriously doubt it.

Updating here in fits and starts, which is exactly what I didn't want. ::sigh:::

Need to be more regular in my spleen-venting, or else I'll have days like today, where I'm gnawing at my knuckles and just trying to breathe.

I've got this list of things I want to write about, and I'm only now finding the time to touch on any of them. Thank the Gods I wrote'm down.

Gardening.

It's something I've always wanted to do, idealistically, regardless of what color thumb I have. The state of the marigold my daughter brought me from school notwithstanding, I'm hoping I'll do alright in this venture. Killing plants isn't the biggest issue anyway - it's actually sticking with the program.
Sig started a week or two ago, hitting the hards hard, and the results are really fuckin' impressive.

Besides... it feels good. I was down in the thick of it today, helping Sig try to remove this bush that's been overtaken by VERY thorny vines. It felt damn good, too - on my knees, filthy, wrestling with a root system more complicated than the US Highway system. Once we get rid of that thing - our triumph was significant today, but not total - we'll start planting the vegetable garden. It's going to take some hard work to get to that point, and I'm so looking forward to it.

It's about damn time to remind my body that it is useful, instead of just moderately decorative. It's been a long time coming.

Addendumb

May. 24th, 2006 02:58 pm

A testament to the intelligence of the people I work with.

"What about second frame amber?"
"Gotta be careful not to mix that up with second frame green"
"No you don't - amber is green."

(Cue the blank stares from myself and Manager, then simultaneous:)

"No, amber is yellow."

(Cue the wide-eyed "DOH" from the other ladies)

Ahem.

In other news, I just dropped a message to my old pseudo-boss, inquiring as to any job openings, non-sales, that might be available there.

Just outta curiosity, you know.

Why bother ask my opinion, if it doesn't matter to you in the least?

Okay, lets be more specific here. Why say that there's a small project where everyone's input is needed... but when the time comes for it to be worked on (finally), everything that you say is completely disregarded or outright ignored?

Oh, how I love my new job, and how much I feel apart of the team!

Emo Dump 1

May. 11th, 2006 12:57 pm

I got a call from my mom last night. The news wasn't good.

A little background. My mom is in her 50s, overweight, and has in the past had some alleged heart problems. I say alleged because she'll go to one hospital who will say that they found scarring from previous heart attacks... and the next hospital, after another "episode" says there's absolutely nothing wrong with her heart.

So she made an appointment with her (new) doctor for yesterday. Doc did a lot of tests - my mom actually said that this was the most thorough examination she'd ever been subject to. The preliminary diagnosis? Congestve heart failure.

Congestive heart failure. What the fuck. She'll be turning 56 this year; she's overweight and inactive. Heart disease runs in my family. This wasn't a surprise to me really... but Gods be damned, she does NOT need to be dealing with this shit right now and frankly? Neither do I.

Sure, it's only the preliminary diagnosis. No one's sure of anything else. Not without the echo done, not without the rest of the bloodtest results and shit. Four weeks, to get the labs back. FOUR WEEKS of waiting to see if my mother is going to die sooner, instead of later.

Just needed to get that off of my chest, before it ate me alive. I typed that about an hour ago, and I feel much less.. tightly wound.

This is my second serious attempt at keeping a journal here with LJ. My first LJ, which will remain nameless, is an Early Adopter; there are a lot of good memories there that are precious to me.

However, there is a lot of baggage there as well. I learned the hard way, through that journal, how I need to keep a few steps of remove between myself and those that I can share myself with here. I won't say anonymity, because I have never had any qualms in sharing a great deal of myself in my journal as well as forging bonds with the people here that transcend LiveJournal. I simply came to the understanding that if I'm going to put my personal thoughts and feelings out there for the world, the last thing I want is someone from down the street knocking on my door to call me on it, to compare what they read with what they imagined they knew about me, in person.

That didn't come out quite right, but it's the best way I have to describe it for now.

I had kept that kind of distance - physical distance - for much of the time that I had the journal; it was only when I entered college, at the beginning of LJ's huge popularity, that everyone I knew and their sister's were making LJs, linking them to mine, being socially interconnected at another level. Networking! This wasn't a bad thing; I quite enjoyed it, really, especially so I could keep track of those people who I didn't see on a daily basis.

However, I no longer really felt safe opening myself up there, because the new influx of personal, local friends knew a particular side of me, which was safe for public consumption. The person I was here was more open, maybe even more honest about who I am, what I thought and believed, etc. etc.

I want that back. Is it a bad thing, to not share everything you are, every flavor of thought and belief, with the ones who are (geographically) closest to you... and yet have no qualms about doing so with people who you may never meet face to face?

So this is my remove. Will there, are there already, people from there that I want here? Absolutely! However... The veil of anonymity has returned, at least for the time being, in the way that I want no concrete ties between that journal and this one. There will also be filters on occasion, just for my emotional protection.

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wandring_dove

June 2006

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